I know where you are, still… I miss you, Dad!!
On this day before Father’s Day, my mind is where it always is this time of year. On my dad. Though gone for 13 years now, it doesn’t get easier….it gets different. That first Father’s Day came just a few weeks after he died in 2005 and felt so emotional. His presence seemed so large considering he wasn’t there. Now, as the years have gone by, there is still emotion, but now it’s about remembering how he lived… as opposed to how he died.
I believe dad knew in those last days that his time here was coming to an end. The night before he passed away, he had been hospitalized again. My brother Dave had headed home for the evening and my mom and I were sitting with him. He had swung his legs over the side of the bed and was facing my mom… his head was down. But, his question was for me. “Tammy, why hasn’t God taken me home yet?” Gee dad, ask me all the easy questions. Why don’t you pick something tough? Yes, that was what I thought when I heard his question. I paused. While I was reflecting on my answer, my panic stricken mother was letting him know that he was not going anywhere. I appreciate her feelings in that moment. I gave him the best answer I could think of at the time. “Dad, I believe we are here for God’s purpose. And when we have fulfilled our purpose, then he takes us home.” It was all I could think to say. He just nodded and accepted my answer without further questioning. Whew, thankfully! I grabbed his hand before I left and told him I would see him tomorrow. He said, “promise?” I assured him I would be there. Little did I know the events that would unfold over the next few hours and that by early evening the next day he would be gone.
Though, those days are seared in my memory, my missing him is not about his death. It is about his life. While my dad was a businessman and a really good one, he was also very skilled at fixing and building things. There was nothing he couldn’t do. When I needed a new sliding glass door, he and his friend John (we called him Jr.) came up, picked up the new door, removed the old one and installed it. When I wanted to put a deck on the back of my house, my dad came up and helped put in the main posts. He, my brother Jeff and I framed it, before I finished decking it. All 12’X36′ of it. Later I would add railing and he and I would build the steps at his house before I would bring them back to be added to the deck. But, it was because of my dad that I had any clue how to do any of it. As I have been trying to do things around my house to get it ready to sell, I have thought of him so many times. If he were here, my house would have been done and on the market by now. No fuss, no muss. But, as much as he taught me, there are still things not in my wheelhouse and it is just not going well or fast. So, I battle my frustration and my missing him….hearing his voice telling me to get back up and get at it. Slow, but sure it will get done.
My dad and I could be like oil and water at times. Maybe we were too much alike. Still, we could mix it up and argue with the best of them. Sounds funny, since he had three sons and I was his only daughter. I think my brother Dave is the most like him. As his only daughter, I worried that I had disappointed him. While my brothers all married and gave him grandchildren, both of those things eluded me. I know how it made me feel to not get married or have children, so I figured at minimum I had let him down. But, if he was disappointed, he never let on to me. He never made me feel left out or like I didn’t belong. Yes, we still had our misunderstandings. But, in hindsight it seems like it was always about things that didn’t matter.
This past January, I watched my Uncle Kenny, a good buddy of my dad’s pass away. I think as we get older, we are acutely aware of our losses and feel them more deeply and longer than when we were younger. Losing Uncle Kenny has me thinking about my cousins and their families this Father’s Day as this is their first without him. I wish I had some pearl of wisdom for them. I can only tell them I love them, just as I loved their dad. Losing him reminds me of dad so much and how the two of them made me laugh. They could be so goofy when they were together. So, on this Father’s Day, I choose to think of them together again, laughing and enjoying each other’s company as they have been reunited in God’s House. I’m sad that they are no longer with us because the selfish part of me wishes they could still be here. But, I rejoice and find peace in knowing that they completed their journey…. or as I told dad that day, they fulfilled God’s purpose and are living eternally with their King.
Happy Father’s Day to my brother’s Jeff, David and Phil as well as my Nephew Travis. But, especially Happy Father’s Day to my dad Phil whom I miss today and every day.
Blessings,
Tammy