The journey of life: Acceptance
From the time, I was very young, I knew exactly how my life would turn out. After all, in the fifth grade, I had married a little boy named David on the playground during recess. How hard could it be if I could do it as a fifth grader? Now, of course that was make believe. But really, it seemed so natural and when the time came, I knew I would get married and have children. Never doubted that’s how it would go. Yet, that’s not at all how it has turned out. As the saying goes, we plan…God laughs.
After going to college, my priority was my career. I met people, I dated. But, career, then graduate school were my main focus. Didn’t feel any sense of urgency. There was plenty of time, right? Soon I would find myself in a very unplanned surgery. Probable appendicitis. Only it wasn’t. Still feeling groggy, I can hear the doctor telling me what had happened and that any plans I might have had regarding children would not be possible. Quite frankly, I was shocked and then just plain angry…for a really long time. I still regress and can feel that anger once in awhile. But, mostly nowadays, it is a feeling of sadness. It’s not so much something you get over as it is something you have to get through. I have always loved kids. Spent a good part of my career working with them. Watched as my friends and family had their children and now grandchildren. Always happy for them, but that feeling of sadness, even grief still washes over me for what would never be. Endless questions. How could God give me such a great capacity to love with no one to share it?
I learned over time that when you stay angry, you waste a lot of time that you can’t get back. I’ve seen it and I’ve experienced it first hand. My anger took me out of the dating scene for a long time. I was not interested. Not that I didn’t understand you could have a relationship that held no hope for children. I just couldn’t see my life with someone; yet without kids. Yes, I was stuck. And, it became my own private and very painful cross to bear as I spoke very little about it. It’s not that I didn’t have friends or people in my life who cared. But, as I saw them all moving forward in a direction I couldn’t go, I felt broken. Everybody made it look so easy as they met someone, got married, started their families. I just got more angry and felt more broken. To this day, even those closest to me, know little of the depth of this pain and emptiness that has never fully went away.
We are coming into the holidays and they are a particularly challenging time for me. People coming together with their families. Every year, I feel that reminder that I am broken. Still, I push forward. I do not avoid my friends or family with children. I love them. I confess, I might minimize my time with them because it’s hard on me. I feel like an outsider. That’s on me, not them. I recognize that my nieces and nephews are not my children. But they are important to me. They are the closest thing to the children that I could never have. My brothers have included me in their family time. Birthday parties, graduations, holidays and other special celebrations over the years.
My journey has been different from most in my immediate circle. I have somehow managed to be surrounded by those who are married and have children. Some times have proven to be more challenging than others. But, in order to move forward, you have to accept where you are and I feel I have done that. I’ve had people that have tried to “fix it” when they have learned I couldn’t have children. “Why don’t you adopt?” is the most common suggestion. I think it’s easier for people to try to find solutions than to listen to how painful it is for me. I promise if I felt that it was right for me to adopt and it was what God wanted for me, I most certainly would have done that. But, I never felt pulled in that direction.
It’s a constant process and I do things that are a form of self preservation. There are things I will do and things I won’t. I have little interest in attending any activities that are mostly attended by couples. I avoid being in places where the conversation is primarily about kids and grandkids. I am good at conversation and can talk about many things, but I’m out when it comes to the family only conversation. This means I am unlikely to attend reunions, weddings, bridal showers or baby showers. You wouldn’t believe how many I’ve been to over the years. I honestly just can’t do it anymore. I won’t say I’ll never go, but these days, I’m more selective. This does not mean I’ve lost my ability to be happy for others. I haven’t. It’s important for me to say this because when I very politely tried to explain this and decline an invitation, I have been met with challenges and defensiveness. Self care is hard when others can’t or won’t understand that it doesn’t have anything to do with them and you are trying to do the right thing for yourself after spending so many years of pleasing everyone else.
All of us are having our own life experience and it would be a grave mistake to think we understood every person’s journey. For example, my widowed mother and I are both on our own. However, our lives couldn’t be more different. It’s not possible for my mother to know my life of never being married and not being able to have children while being totally on my own. And, I can tell you that no matter how much I care, I couldn’t begin to understand what these last years have been like for her without my father. She married her high school sweetheart a month after turning 18 and for the next 50 years created a life of children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. To lose that person and have to continue alone is beyond my experience. Try though I might, I don’t know how that feels.
What is most important is that we have the ability to be compassionate, accepting and respectful of each other. To understand that whether we are single or married, we all have the ability to make a contribution. We all have a purpose. It took me a long time to understand that. When I found out I couldn’t have children and later as I have come to accept that I’m likely going to remain single, I have struggled. I now understand, that while there are aspects of life that offer opportunities to compete, living itself is not a competition. Being single or married does not make one superior or inferior. One way easier or harder. There are joys and hardships on every path. A married person might envy the perceived freedom of coming and going that a single person has and I certainly would love the companionship that a married person experiences with their spouse. But, we all know there are trade offs for these.
I wish everyone well on their journey. I have made a lot of mistakes on mine. But, I don’t want to dwell on them. They have made me who I am; good or bad. Most importantly, I learned from them. I hope others can learn from my mistakes as well. Don’t hold on to anger. It is such a wasted emotion. I used to live in the land of “what if”. For the longest time, I felt like I was waiting for my life to start. I thought it didn’t begin until you got married and had a family. So many wasted years. I was living the life I was meant to all along. I just had to take off my blinders and realize it was different than my original dream. Being single doesn’t make me inferior. Being childless doesn’t really make me broken even if it feels like it. I may never understand why I didn’t get the life I imagined all those years ago. But, I truly believe I’m on the path God wants me on. And my truth is that there is nothing more important. I will do my best to listen to him and follow his lead. May God bless you and yours on your journey!
Merry Christmas!!
Tammy